WRHAMMONS.COM: The Writing, Running, Etc. Website

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5



Alternity, an Alternate History Novel
Amazon, BN, Borders

Well, my dear, it's time I wrap up this first father/daughter letter of mine - it's now off to an evening pour to celebrate another award for the magazine. I will save the Seventh Law for some other time, but the mention of a "pour" prompts me to close with the Sixth Law of Public Relations: "If one must drink a lot, one must drink alone." Living with so many lies creates a lot of tension, my dear daughter, but it's dangerous to drown the tension to the point where you lose track of the lies.

But I hope that such concerns are far, far in your future, my dear daughter, if they are in your future at all. Know this much: I hope that I am successful enough in what I do that perhaps my child will never need to do it herself, that she will be able to live a carefree life full of decency and honesty. What I do, my dear daughter, I do for you.

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It was at an evening reception of the same Magazine X that we came across not only another excellent example of Brand Patois, but also a fascinating destruction ritual of another magazine, a "rival brand" if you will. First the snippet of Patois:

Editor of Editors [Clutching the just-won "Brandie" Award, a bronze statuette of a bow-tied cowboy plunging a "B" brand into the flank of a lowing and defecating bull]: I want to thank each and every one of you, both writers and workers, for your contributions to this magazine. Without your efforts, and without the efforts we put into making sure that those efforts remain separate--

[At this point, the Director of Meatpacking seizes the Brandie and interjects himself mid-sentence, a common artifice among speakers of Corporate Standard]

Director of Meatpacking: I want to thank you so much, Ralph, for that introductory speech. This is a Brandie [He raises the statuette high enough over the audience so that it catches the last rays of a sun which has already set over the magazine, blinding all onlookers with the reflected light], given to the NewsWorld team because our brand is so strong...




















































The First Law of Public Relations by W.R. Hammons:

1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6

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